Relationships in general aren’t easy. Throw in OCD and it can be combustible. I was in a 6 year relationship that just burned to the ground because of OCD. He couldn’t take it anymore. The house smelled like cleaning chemicals every time he came home from work. When he walked in the door, I’d be there waiting for him and instead of saying “Hey, how was your day? I’m glad to see you!” It was “take your shoes off please! Wash your hands before you touch any other stuff!” Our bedding would constantly be damp because I’d wash it every day and it would never get fully dry before bed time. The floor had a sticky residue on it from over washing. The laundry basket that would be empty in the morning would now be overflowing because I’d have to change clothes and get a new towel every time I showered. It was just too much. Certainly there were other factors involved, but the relationship completely fell apart.

I met my now husband in 2021 and was just terrified of the whole idea. There was no need to hide it or pretend, I was completely honest with him from the beginning. I’m a lot. I just am. Sometimes I don’t even want to be around myself.

At the time, he said it was fine. OCD doesn’t define who I am. I thought “yeah right bro, just you wait!”

I did try to tone it down around him as much as I could. And I was shocked but thrilled that I was able to stop using Lysol spray on everything. He has asthma and aerosol sprays really hurt his lungs, I HAD to stop spraying, it would hurt him. I increased using disinfectant wipes, but we were able to drop the spray, which was huge!

We moved in together and I totally thought that would be a terrible idea. I know what happens when I’m in a space for too long. I start creating contaminations and rituals, I start over cleaning. I had just been in a cohabitating relationship and that obviously went horribly bad.

I tried to flip it. Here’s a guy I love, here’s a guy I see a future with. Let’s try and love the idea of moving in together because it’s a new space! I don’t have any rituals created there! I could be free of all the counting and cleaning etc. And because I’m aware of how my rituals work, I can stop them from starting in the first place! Boy was I wrong. I couldn’t just leave the OCD behind, how naive could I be?? It came along to the new house. In trying to pretend like everything was fine, it made things worse. In the new house, within my “safe space,” things were becoming contaminated. Contaminated, that was the new word I was using. And it had nothing to do with dirt or germs, this one was entirely imaginary. It was something I had created to describe things that I didn’t want to touch because they caused discomfort. There was another shift, I began doing something therapists have termed “magical thinking” which I like to describe as superstitions on steroids. Basically what has happened now is that I associate bad or negative or sad things with objects. For example, if I am scrolling through my phone and I see something terrible happen on the news, I immediately think it is going to happen to someone I love. Why else would I have seen that particular news report? It has to be an omen. I immediately have to get that “contamination” or those “germs” off my phone in order to prevent that bad thing from happening. I have to wipe down my phone with disinfecting wipes (can’t tell you how many phones I’ve ruined) but then I touched the phone! I have to wash myself! I immediately have to jump in the shower and scrub head to toe. Even though I only touched the phone with my hands, washing my hands isn’t enough. That contamination is everywhere. The phone charger that I set the phone down on? That has to be disinfected too. The table the phone charger is sitting on? That too!

Thankfully the hubby is very understanding even though he knows he’ll never completely get it since he doesn’t have OCD, but it’s a lot. It’s not easy, we both get frustrated. We’ve discovered communication is the absolute best thing for us. How can he know I’m spiraling if I hide it from him? How can I know if he’s frustrated if he doesn’t say it? Gotta talk it out. It truly is the most important thing.