Hey everyone! I’m Jen. I’m elated you are here and it is wonderful to meet you!

I just wanted to create a space to discuss all things Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, panic disorders, and general mental health. I need to preface this by saying I am NOT a medical professional in any way shape or form. I’d simply like to share stories and see if we can find common ground, build a bit of a community, and hopefully not feel alone.

A little about myself. I am currently 40, married, and have two of the sweetest little cats around!

I am a total theatre nerd and grew up on stage. If you ever want to talk Broadway, I’m your girl!! I love playing and experimenting with makeup and have an unhealthy obsession with glitter and all things sparkly!

I knew at a very young age (maybe 5?) that I was a bit different. I just felt this overwhelming sense of fear all the time. This crushing dread like something bad was going to happen. I started creating rituals and behaviors to try and prevent those bad things (whatever they may be) from happening. It wasn’t until I was 18 that I officially heard the term “Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.” At that point it was a daily spiral of counting, touching, tapping, stepping, configuring things nearly all day every day. It was affecting school, it was affecting my relationships, my mood. All because I was just trying to keep everyone safe! If I didn’t do all these things, bad things would happen!!! Couldn’t everyone understand that??

I’ve noticed, in my opinion, OCD tends to undulate. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed and can’t get out of my own way. Other times I feel more flexible, like I can push the OCD into the backseat.

In college something new started happening. Germophobia. In addition to all the other things, I began cleaning and disinfecting. Thinking perhaps that would keep everyone safe! I mean, that’s why they have cleaning supplies, to keep away germs!

Going to therapy (and finding the right therapist) became sort of a weird game. In a few years I think I counted seeing over a dozen professionals, I had tried 5 different medications, and had enrolled in an OCD specific program. I was jaded, I was tired of telling everyone my story, I was just annoyed and wanted to be left alone.

At this point, I had met my now husband and had moved in with him. I found out the hard way that I couldn’t just leave the OCD at my parent’s house, it came along to the new house. And even within my “safe space,” things were becoming contaminated. Contaminated, that was the new word I was using. And it had nothing to do with dirt or germs, this one was entirely imaginary. It was something I had created to describe things that I didn’t want to touch because they caused discomfort.

I’ve recently began seeing a therapist again and have been trying a new medication. It is one day at a time, it is figuring out what works for you, and most importantly, it is giving yourself grace.